it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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