my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
