I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
