11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
