need another drink. this is the easiest way
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
