I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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