i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
