don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have tasted many bathrooms
Where are you guys?
Drunk
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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