I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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