peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
