at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
