i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
