isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Mom said you looked used
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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