I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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