just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
