You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
