I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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