Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
