between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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