used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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