the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
