when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We need to get me chipped asap
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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