The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
