I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
