I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Every concussion has its silver lining
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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