So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
