While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
