I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
