after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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