the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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