Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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