I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
