I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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