I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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