There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
