I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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