I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
