my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
