I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
