I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
