I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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