Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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