Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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