Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
