I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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