I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
