I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
