I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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