Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
