Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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