why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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