i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
