last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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