if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize