Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
