I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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