If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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