either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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